Sunday, August 26, 2012

Will the Sea Swallow Me Up?



I find myself in this place once again, a place of torment, pain, and fear. Grey rain clouds and mist hide the bright moon and cover me. The dreary sadness of the scene matches the condition of my heart. My heart has been swallowed up in a sea of sorrow and disappointment, disappointment in myself, and you. How could you hurt me like this?
          Stupid girl, you knew better than to open your heart and trust, it has always lead to pain and anguish, why would this have been any different? You picked the scab of an old wound, did you really expect it not to hurt? You told yourself no...why didn’t you listen?
The waters of the sea surround me, taunting me, telling me that they will have me as their prize; I will be there next victorious capture!
I look up at the sky, praying that it won’t rain, for if it does, I am finished, and the sea will get it’s wish. The rock that I cling to is slippery, my hands are slipping as the strong waves crash against me, I am beginning to lose faith in my strength, and in the strength of this rock.  My soaked red dress clings to me, it weighs me down.
My eye catches a glimpse of something flying toward me. A white winged dove flaps toward me; I lift up a hand to it, for it is my old friend. He comes and lies to rest for a moment in my palm; in its beak it holds a rose, a red rose. I sit for a moment, as I grasp the rose in my hand as the dove flies off, leaving me alone with this rose whose thorns contain every hurtful memory! As I look at it, tears form in my eyes, but you are not here to wipe them away this time, you left me to this ocean. Where did you go? Why did you leave me?
I stand, no longer afraid of the waves, my face is streaked with tears. I cast the rose to the waves, the moment it hit the water it started to rain. I speak to the sea, I say that I am no longer afraid, I am ready, and it can have me!
With a crack of thunder and an enormous crash of a wave, I found myself tumbling into the water. My arms, hair, and red dress reach toward the surface as I sink down, down into the lurking darkness of the bottom of the deep. Bubbles engulf my body as it comes to rest on the sea floor. I lay to rest on my back, my eyes searching for the light of the moon.
 It’s coming, I can feel it in my heart, the angel of death is coming for me, like a shadow that follows me everywhere I go. My vision is slowly fading into blackness...

* * * *
My eyes open once more, I feel as though I am in a dream state, everything is foggy, and something is walking towards me, something dressed in all red. My vision clears a bit, and I see that it is me, me in my red dress walking towards myself. When she, me, reaches me, she leans down, grasps my hand, handing me the red rose that I had cast into the sea, and lifts my head. She signals me to follow her, but I shake my head no, I want her to leave me here, it will be better this way, no more pain, no more anything, soon it all will be over. She whispers something in my ear. Her face changes, it’s the angel of death disguised in a self image, he has come for me once again.
Suddenly an explosion occurs from a crater in the sea floor, sending me hurling to the surface and casting the angel of death and I in the opposite directions. I wake to find myself lying on a sandy shore. I look up at the stars above me, glimmering like diamonds. My hair and ripped dress are soaked and covered with sand. I slowly and weakly sit up; in my hand I grasp the red rose, a tear rolls off my cheek and slips off my chin, falling onto a petal of the rose. Instantly the moon appears and shines brightly, a ray of its light hits the tear, and the light reflects from the tear drop, causing it to glimmer and shine an explosion of crystal light washes over me.
It was so bright I had to shield my eyes, everything surrounding me made a transformation, from darkness and gloom, to a sunny and beautiful day. The sun felt warm against my skin, a warm gentle breeze blew through my clean dry hair and the sand beneath me was soft and pleasant. I stood and shook the sand from my now turquoise dress, peering up at the blue sky, in my hand I held a turquoise rose; it gave me confidence and courage.
I started walking up the bay, holding the rose in one hand, and my skirt in the other, I looked down, as I walked, I watched my toes sink into the sand. When I looked up, there you stood, your handsome grey eyes watching me, I approached you with peace in my heart.
You kneel taking my hand and kissing it, you said you were sorry, and begged me for forgiveness.  I stopped you before you went any further, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” With that, I gently kiss you, giving you the rose, then together we turn, holding hands and walk down the bay.
You and only you, are the love of my heart...

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Must Fly

Google Images: Dave Balter

It’s coming…
If I stay, it will swallow me up! I can’t let it do that, I can’t fall prey like all the others; I have been given wings, I must fly!
The sky, it calls to me, it beckons me to a better place, a safe serene place; a place of peace where I can be free.
I must break free, I cannot stay, I must not become like the others, I break free…I must fly away! 
It’s coming for me, it is taunting me and telling me that it will have me, that it will take me as its own; I will be its prisoner…
I must fly, I must be free, no one can capture me!
So I must go, spread my wings, and I fly away.

Monday, August 20, 2012

The Devil's Daughter


            It’s gone…
            I no longer am its keeper…
            My emptiness is an abyss of darkness surrounding me. The hollow echos confirm that I am alone. The most important part was taken away from me, my freedom, my peace. Now I have a gaping hole in my heart, and peace never seems to find me.
So deep and wide is my emptiness that I cannot ignore its screams, I cannot ignore the pain. Its screams are that of a child’s, they reach the deepest parts of me. I wish I could calm it and tell it that everything will be okay, but how can I convince it of something even I’m not sure about?
I asked it to come back, I begged it to stay…it wouldn’t, it just left; it didn’t look back…they never look back, like their afraid to become Lot’s wife or something.  It’s almost as if I am evil itself…am I just that horrible and difficult to love?
* * * *
            The devil reaches out his hand, offering to buy my soul, saying that he will love me. He says he will love me the way I long to be loved; he says that the whole world will bow down to me. Never again will I be scoffed at, never again will I be left behind, that’s what he says.  I don’t know, I am uncertain if I can trust him, his deal sounds too good to be true.
I’m the girl who sold her soul to the devil, the girl who signed the dotted line with her own blood. I’m the girl who has talked with the devil, who has seen his face.
He said I was his favorite; he never made me feel insignificant. With him I felt powerful, gifted, and special. I did the work he sent me out to do. I was rewarded with high rankings in his army, he said two more jobs and he would give me the army entirely.
I overheard him one day, he was saying I was the best investment he had made, surprised he was at all that I was capable of. He said that I had more fight than he had ever expected, but he was pleased with all that I had accomplished for him.
I would be his chosen one, the champion of his army, the one to fight for him in the last battle of time. He declared me as his daughter, and announced it to all the minions of his dark world.
            The devil called me to his chambers; I went to see my father. He said to me,
            “My daughter you have made our advisories weep and tremble with fear, now do one more thing to please your father, go to the home of the one’s whose name is written on this scroll and kill him.” 
I take the scroll from him and bow,
            “Yes father, I will do what you ask, know that I love you, but let me ask one question.”    “You may ask.” He says sounding slightly annoyed.  I begin slightly nervous,
             “What has this person done for him to deserve death by my hand, the hand of your most powerful champion?”
 The eyes of my father burned like hot coals in a fire, he turned on me with a rage so great and powerful that I cowered in fear of my life.
            “This person…” He said with disgust, “has been consulting and with my sworn and eternal enemy, he has sided with my enemy, he has been declared a child of my enemy a great warrior, now GO!”
I turned and fled, never had I ever seen my father in such a rage about something, it made me afraid, afraid of what I was about to face…
* * * *
            I find the home of the one whose name was written on the scroll. I draw my sword before I enter his room, there I find him kneeling beside his bed, his hands folded and his eyes closed. He was just a child, twelve years old perhaps, small and innocent. I am shocked, this is the warrior I am to face and kill?
            I sit down next to him watching him curiously…surely there is a mistake, this cannot be HIM.  The boy opens his eyes and looks at me with a small smirk,
            “Oh hi, I was expecting you…”
He sat up on his bed looking at me just as curiously as I was looking at him.
            “He told me you would be coming; I will admit that I am surprised that you haven’t struck me down with your sword, perhaps you’re surprise that I am so young and small!?!”
             He laughed making me all the more surprised, “I know all about you, you’re the one who sold you soul to the devil and now he calls you his daughter.  You’re the one he declared as his “greatest champion,” he may call you all those things, but you are really just  his slave the one he sends to do all his dirty work.”
            I was shocked and taken back, but I kept my face cool and unemotional, I asked, “And you’re the champion of my sworn enemy!” 
            “Well I don’t know how much of a champion I am.” He replied, “But I am a child of God…the enemy of your father. You signed the dotted line with the devil all because you felt alone, you didn’t hear the calls of my father, you were too busy focusing on your sad affairs that you didn’t see the best opportunity that could EVER be offered to you was right in front of your nose, the love from a father who would have loved you for you not just what you were able to do for him. The sad thing is that you will never feel satisfaction or receive the true love that you are in constant pursuit of, because your master, whom you call father, is not capable of such a love.”
            I scream and stumble off the bed….his words came like lashes of a whip, I lay in a scrunched ball for a moment, and then I rose to take my revenge. I draw my sword ready to slay him, no longer will I listen to these words, and no longer will I be HIS prey!
             Then a thought came to my mind that was not of me, how can you kill him? He is nothing but a child, innocent, spotless. Then my next thought was of clearly of me, I cannot return to my father until the deed is done, how can I stand before him and tell him that I could not defeat a puny child? My focus comes back to the child, I will shut him up for good now, I lunge at him,
            “You have no power; you are nothing but a defenseless child!”
I raise my sword to strike, but as I do the expression of the child changed, it wasn’t fear that I saw, but sadness, this made my heart burn, the deep frozen ice that it was had been set ablaze with fire.
            “I am sorry that it has come to this, I am sorry this has been the choice you have made, you could have chosen another path, I could have saved you if you inquired after my God. Now I must defend myself! You are wrong when you say that I am defenseless, I have a sword and a shield like NO other, I have a mighty and powerful God that stand before me!”
Right before my eyes I saw a blazing sword and mighty shield appear in his small hands, they were like nothing I had ever seen before. I was in utter shock, I brought down my sword in a strong and terrible plunge, he blocked the mighty blow with his shield, making me fall back stunned.  I heard him say,
            “No weapon forged against you shall prevail, and you shall refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord…”
            I shrieked, I must make him stop, so I charged at him with all the force I had and struck him down with a powerful blow that sent him sprawling back and flattened to the floor.  I approached him to finish him off, when he said in a weak voice,
            “We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed!” 
At that I screamed, an excruciating pang of pain shook my entire body, I looked down and saw that his blade had been plunged deep into the flesh of my abdomen. He spoke again, I gasped with fear and pain,
            “And I will do whatever you ask in MY name, so that the son may bring glory to the father!  Do you know what that name is, daughter of the devil?”
I was hunched over with pain, my breath came in quick and heavy gasps, but through my barred teeth I managed to say,
            “No.”
             “Jesus!” He said with a great shout, “Now return to your master and NEVER show your face here again!”
            I screeched and groaned, the pain kept coming like waves of fire crashing against me. And before my eyes I saw the bright figure of a man standing behind the boy with such authority and valor that I became frightened for my life, so I fled.
* * * *
            Now I lay in my cage alone, truly alone, I am truly abandoned now. When the devil heard of my defeat, he was furious. He threw me into his dungeons never to be heard from again,  no longer am I the devil’s daughter or his prized champion, I am a disgraced victim of the devil’s evil tricks and lies. Never was I loved by him, the boy had been right, the devil doesn’t love.
            Now I slump in the corner of my cage, no sense in me crying or wailing like the other prisoners I hear, no one can see my tears and no one cares to hear my cries in here.  There is no hope for me now, God does not want me, I am the girl who sold her soul to the devil…who fought against God and lost, I tortured his children and killed many of them. I must be disgusting in his sight; I am lower than dirt and feces.  I tell this story to you now, as a warning, the devil will come to you and offer to buy your soul, offering to give you freedom and power, but he will only lock your soul in chains, he will use you to his benefit until you benefit him no longer…then you will lose everything.
            There is a God in heaven who is reaching down to you with a better offer, one of true love, protection, freedom, and victory! He will set the captives free if you call out, Jesus set me free!
            I wish I could declare that for myself, but how can I? I am disgusting…I was the devil’s daughter, the one who did his evil deeds. God wants nothing to do with me now. I know he has the power to set me free from this bondage for he is all powerful, but who am I to ask him such a thing?
            You who have not sold your souls, be warned see and learn from my mistakes, when Jesus knocks at the door, let him in…do not leave him standing on your door step.
            I now lie in wait of the end. The day of judgment where I shall be released from this prison and be told of my punishment, and then when I shall be put into the prison of eternal fire, where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth.  I accept it, for it is nothing less of what I deserve, it is my fate.
           
            Suddenly the door to my cage flies open and a bright figure of a man stands in front of me. His hand stretches out to me and he says in a powerful voice of supremacy,
            “Take my hand, I have paid your debt and you are free, follow me and we shall leave this dungeon.”
 My chains fell off and I rose to my feet, “Jesus?” I am in shock, “Why would you want me? Why would you come here to this disgusting evil place to save me, the one who was the devil’s daughter?”
            “You’re no longer the devil’s child, you are now my own. Follow me; you are no longer the champion of hell, but of heaven!”
 I take his hand and follow him, he leads me out of the depths of hell, and when we are out I fall to my knees and weep, I kiss his feet.
            “Jesus, I don’t deserve this, but thank you! I love you and I will sacrifice all that I am for you!”
* * * *
            “Devil be warned, on the day of the last battle you and I shall meet again, we shall fight to the death, but you will be destroyed! Jesus and the saints of heaven will take the victory; we will be eternally free and living in glory, worshiping our heavenly father in complete perfection. No tear shall be shed ever again.”
           
            “NO longer am I the devil’s daughter, but a child of God, I have the victory, and the devil has fled from me!”

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Slip Away...


Never thought I would turn out to be such a screw-up, never thought I could cause so much grief, you take two steps forward three steps back, does it make a difference?
Everyone anticipates your failure, everyone anticipates your fall...does anyone anticipate the heart in it all? You know a way to escape, you know how to make it all go away, but every time you want to just slip away, there’s a thing that makes you stay. 
They say that that’s the easy way….that you’re a runaway, but you do what you need to survive….but you wonder if you are truly just a coward.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Introductions

My name is Miah, I am a twenty years old and a college student.
For the longest time I denied being a writer, it was a secret that I kept until I read a book, The Pocket Muse by Monica Woods. She basically said that it doesn't matter what you write, you are a writer, and you should shout it at the top of your lungs because when you do you will feel liberated. I did, one day while driving to work  I finally couldn't contain it anymore and I shouted it at the top of my lungs, practically making myself go deaf because of the small space. However, I did feel liberated and free, I wanted to write everything that I felt, I wanted people to feel as though I understood EXACTLY what they were going through, even if they couldn't express it, but I was always afraid to show my stories and poems to anyone because of the fear of being judged and criticized.
Then one day I was visiting an old college buddy of mine, she is a brilliant writer, and at one point in our discussion about writing she shouted, "WAIT A MINUTE...you're a writer? Why didn't I ever know that? Why didn't you tell me? I really want to read some of your stuff now!" Well after a few moments, actually hours, I did, and she encouraged me to set aside my fears and start a blog. So here I am sweaty palms sticking to the computer keys telling my story and stories all because of her, so thank you Mandy you are brilliant and wonderful, and thank you Erik my boyfriend for also encouraging me to hang up the phone and make my first post! So, I'm breaking the stillness...

Will the Sun Out Last the Rain?



Why do I feel like the whole world is spinning against me? I feel out of sync, I feel as though I’m frozen in place. I can’t seem to get out of my own way, why do I feel this way? I’m standing in the middle of a desert, there are thick black clouds above me, the land is dark as night, a crack of lightening pierced the black sky.
          My black dress flips and twists in the wind, the rain starts to pore down.  I’m drenched, my hair and dress stick to my body.  I hold in my hand a rose whose thorns cut deep into my hands, causing them to bleed, each thorn is a memory, a hurtful thought.  As the blood trickles down off my hands, it falls to my feet, creating a red puddle that slowly engulfs my feet. The dark storm clouds start to surround me, and finally swallow me up.
          My tears fall at the same pace as the rain. I cry, but not because of the rose, not because of the pain, not even because of my circumstances, for I know that I deserve nothing better than this. I cry, because of how I got here, I caused this, it’s all my fault, I let my feelings control myself, my stupidity destroyed me.
          Why don’t I ever learn!?!
          I looked down at the cliff that suddenly appeared before me, should I jump? Should I end this agony for myself? Should I end the pain and hurt I have caused other people?
          I back away, but not because I’m afraid to die, no, death would be a release; I back away because something inside me won’t let me do it...
          The mud sticks to my bare feet as I start to walk away, my foot starts to sink, causing me to fall, I am abruptly caught up in a sudden mud slide that pushes me off the edge of the cliff. I scream and start grabbing at whatever I can, my hand catches a sharp rock, which pierces my skin, but I hold on with all my might. A few moments pass, the rain stops, and so does the mud slide, I am left hanging on with all the strength I have left in me.
          Blood starts to seep from my hand and runs down my arm, my fingers start to slip, but before I lose my grip, a strong hand tightly grasps my wrist and pulls me back onto the ledge.
I look up to see that it’s you, your kind blue/grey eyes glimmering like stars in the darkness. You pull me up, bring me close, holding me tightly. I push away and look into those soft precious blue/gray eyes. I tell you that you shouldn’t have saved me that I don’t deserve to live, I don’t deserve you. The wind picks up and blows hard against us, whipping my black train around me; my hair beats against my face.
          You say that I am right that I don’t deserve you, your eyes grow sullen, and then turn black; a dark shadow falls, and your face changes, it’s no longer yours, but the angel of death’s face. Then with a powerful blow, he sends me hurling over the edge. I fall like a butterfly with a broken wing to the bottom of the black abyss, my black train whips behind me. I know I deserve this, so I don’t scream, I just watch as the ground grows nearer.
          When I hit the bottom, I feel nothing, I have felt nothing for a while, emptiness settled in my heart a long time ago, I lay there waiting for the angel of death to find me again. I lay limp in the dark. Above me the black veiled sky begins to part, and the bright silvery moon breaks through, its light falls over my blood covered hand, still clutching the rose. All of a sudden the deep red and black of the rose begins to glimmer and sparkle, a wave of glistening light washes over it, turning the rose a silvery white.
          The blood that was beginning to engulf me like an island in the ocean, made the same transformation, soft white snowflakes began to fall from the sky, and covered me. Every time a flake touched the fabric of my dress it melted and left a white spot in its stead.  After a few moments passed, I felt the power to stand, and after I stood, I shook out my dress, which was no longer black, but a beautiful flowing white dress with silver embroidery.  I looked down at my hands, they were completely healed, not a single scar. I turned towards the wind that had begun to blow gently, softly through my clean glimmering hair.
That’s when I saw you, walking slowly towards me, you called out my name, I was afraid, but I could not move. When you reached me, I fell to my knees and I laid the white rose at your feet, keeping my eyes to the ground. You leaned down and picked up the rose, and with your other hand you lifted my chin.
          You stared into my eyes with those piercing blue/grey ones. A tear started to form in the corner of my eye, but you wiped it away with your thumb, you said, “You are worthy of me, you just didn’t believe it for yourself, because you needed to forgive yourself first, now you have, and now you have been made new!”
          I leaned my head into your hand; you pulled me up off my knees, drew me close and kissed me. The snow fluttered around us, you held the rose up and threw it in the air, it split open, taking the form of a dove, which spread its wings and flew away!
          You took my hand, picked me up in your strong arms, and carried me home. I rested my head on your shoulder and fell asleep.
Peace had finally found my soul...