Why do I feel like the whole world is spinning against me? I feel out of sync, I feel as though I’m frozen in place. I can’t seem to get out of my own way, why do I feel this way? I’m standing in the middle of a desert, there are thick black clouds above me, the land is dark as night, a crack of lightening pierced the black sky.
My tears fall at the same pace as the rain. I cry, but not because of the rose, not because of the pain, not even because of my circumstances, for I know that I deserve nothing better than this. I cry, because of how I got here, I caused this, it’s all my fault, I let my feelings control myself, my stupidity destroyed me.
Why don’t I ever learn!?!
I looked down at the cliff that suddenly appeared before me, should I jump? Should I end this agony for myself? Should I end the pain and hurt I have caused other people?
I back away, but not because I’m afraid to die, no, death would be a release; I back away because something inside me won’t let me do it...
The mud sticks to my bare feet as I start to walk away, my foot starts to sink, causing me to fall, I am abruptly caught up in a sudden mud slide that pushes me off the edge of the cliff. I scream and start grabbing at whatever I can, my hand catches a sharp rock, which pierces my skin, but I hold on with all my might. A few moments pass, the rain stops, and so does the mud slide, I am left hanging on with all the strength I have left in me.
Blood starts to seep from my hand and runs down my arm, my fingers start to slip, but before I lose my grip, a strong hand tightly grasps my wrist and pulls me back onto the ledge.
I look up to see that it’s you, your kind blue/grey eyes glimmering like stars in the darkness. You pull me up, bring me close, holding me tightly. I push away and look into those soft precious blue/gray eyes. I tell you that you shouldn’t have saved me that I don’t deserve to live, I don’t deserve you. The wind picks up and blows hard against us, whipping my black train around me; my hair beats against my face.
You say that I am right that I don’t deserve you, your eyes grow sullen, and then turn black; a dark shadow falls, and your face changes, it’s no longer yours, but the angel of death’s face. Then with a powerful blow, he sends me hurling over the edge. I fall like a butterfly with a broken wing to the bottom of the black abyss, my black train whips behind me. I know I deserve this, so I don’t scream, I just watch as the ground grows nearer.
When I hit the bottom, I feel nothing, I have felt nothing for a while, emptiness settled in my heart a long time ago, I lay there waiting for the angel of death to find me again. I lay limp in the dark. Above me the black veiled sky begins to part, and the bright silvery moon breaks through, its light falls over my blood covered hand, still clutching the rose. All of a sudden the deep red and black of the rose begins to glimmer and sparkle, a wave of glistening light washes over it, turning the rose a silvery white.
The blood that was beginning to engulf me like an island in the ocean, made the same transformation, soft white snowflakes began to fall from the sky, and covered me. Every time a flake touched the fabric of my dress it melted and left a white spot in its stead. After a few moments passed, I felt the power to stand, and after I stood, I shook out my dress, which was no longer black, but a beautiful flowing white dress with silver embroidery. I looked down at my hands, they were completely healed, not a single scar. I turned towards the wind that had begun to blow gently, softly through my clean glimmering hair.
That’s when I saw you, walking slowly towards me, you called out my name, I was afraid, but I could not move. When you reached me, I fell to my knees and I laid the white rose at your feet, keeping my eyes to the ground. You leaned down and picked up the rose, and with your other hand you lifted my chin.
You stared into my eyes with those piercing blue/grey ones. A tear started to form in the corner of my eye, but you wiped it away with your thumb, you said, “You are worthy of me, you just didn’t believe it for yourself, because you needed to forgive yourself first, now you have, and now you have been made new!”
I leaned my head into your hand; you pulled me up off my knees, drew me close and kissed me. The snow fluttered around us, you held the rose up and threw it in the air, it split open, taking the form of a dove, which spread its wings and flew away!
You took my hand, picked me up in your strong arms, and carried me home. I rested my head on your shoulder and fell asleep.
Peace had finally found my soul...